The future of burning books
Below is the list of the top ten most frequently challenged books of 2009 as gathered from the American Library Association website. I completely understand the low priority some place upon books compared to other forms of media. However, I don’t understand why books would need to be burned. Think of it this way, if I had two children, I would probably like one more than the other. That doesn’t mean I should burn one (I’ll let the sun do that, when I allow my least favorite child to play outside all day without sunblock. Blame averted).
Being invested in the publishing industry, I feel I should fight back. Note: I have not read all of these books, nor do I know what many of them are even about. But if I’ve learned anything from the mere existence of a banned books list, it is that arguments don’t have to respect the source material or the material’s context. It’s fun to hate!
10. “The Chocolate War,” by Robert Cormier
Reasons: Nudity, Sexually Explicit, Offensive Language, Unsuited to Age Group
Un-Reasons: I had to Google this book to determine its content, and honestly I feared what searching “the chocolate war” would return. I can count the number racially explicit scenarios that would use this phrase on two hands. I can count the number of pornographically explicit possibilities on one hand…the other is busy. Granted, the SERP (that’s Search Engine Results Page for you people with a life) yielded nothing questionable, but the simple fact that it could have is enough to keep this book off of the banned books list. If my mind is filthier than the book title, then the book isn’t worth battling over.
9. “The Color Purple,” Alice Walker
Reasons: Sexually Explicit, Offensive Language, Unsuited to Age Group
Un-Reasons: Can we get over this book already? The people who question this book are likely racist. It’s just that “Blackieness” wasn’t an available check box on the official challenged book request form, or as it is known among dissenters: “Show Off Your WASPy Prudishness” ballot.
8. “The Earth, My Butt, and Other Big, Round Things,” by Carolyn Mackler
Reasons: Sexually Explicit, Offensive Language, Unsuited to Age Group
Un-Reasons: Kids grow up faster these days than in days past. “My Butt” being a “Round Thing” is probably offensive only to those people who also take offense to the implication of the Earth being round.
7. “My Sister’s Keeper,” by Jodi Picoult
Reasons: Sexism, Homosexuality, Sexually Explicit, Offensive Language, Religious Viewpoint, Unsuited to Age Group, Drugs, Suicide, Violence
Un-Reasons: My wife read this. She’s still cool. And believe me, my wife has plenty of opportunities for commonalities among lame-ohs who challenge books. She loves guinea pigs. She dances with her thumbs in the air. She can’t pronounce “Parmesan.” I could go on, but I won’t, because I love her too much to disrespect her with a fourth item in this list.
6. “Catcher in the Rye,” by J.D. Salinger
Reasons: Sexually Explicit, Offensive Language, Unsuited to Age Group
Un-Reasons:
5. Twilight (series) by Stephenie Meyer
Reasons: Sexually Explicit, Religious Viewpoint, Unsuited to Age Group
Un-Reasons: No, the real reason these books should be banned is because they are everywhere. I’m sick of telling people about William Gay’s “Twilight,” only to be raped by Stephenie Meyer “Twilight” fans. Also, to call this book sexually explicit is to insult all the creative whores out there who work hard to freak out horny dudes (or women, or animals, or kitchen appliances, or plumbing supplies, or…). Making out with a vampire and/or werewolf is like 2nd base stuff to today’s kids.
4. “To Kill A Mockingbird,” by Harper Lee
Reasons: Racism, Offensive Language, Unsuited to Age Group
Un-Reasons: See “The Color Purple” above.
3. “The Perks of Being A Wallflower,” by Stephen Chbosky
Reasons: Homosexuality, Sexually Explicit, Anti-Family, Offensive Language, Religious Viewpoint, Unsuited to Age Group, Drugs, Suicide
Un-Reasons: So many teenagers are depressed antisocial-ites. Let them have a book whose title implies pride and self-respect, and stop shoving morally definite books, that polarize homosexuality, language, and religion, at your kids. The world is ambiguous; embrace it.
2. “And Tango Makes Three” by Peter Parnell and Justin Richardson
Reasons: Homosexuality
Un-Reasons: “Two male authors,” you say. “Gross.” What if Tango is Jesus and he’s there to cure the authors of their homosexuality. Are you okay, now?
1. “TTYL; TTFN; L8R, G8R (series), by Lauren Myracle
Reasons: Nudity, Sexually Explicit, Offensive Language, Unsuited to Age Group, Drugs
Un-Reasons: We managed through 9 items before hitting a book that is offensive not just to people, but to the English language as well. This is very impressive considering IM acronyms are as a common as…typing “IM” instead of “Instant Message.” Does this mean that the English language has not yet devolved far enough from the Queen’s English to have become unrecognizable, and that novels are still culturally relevant, meaning that they should be examined closely for moral alignment? WTF is wrong with you? Language evolves. The good words live (Boner: [boh-ner]-n, slang an erection of the penis ) while the bad ones die (Andrew Koenig: -n, the guy who played Boner in the 1980s sitcom Family Ties)
