The 5 Most Painful Masturbation Techniques You’ll Probably Still Try Because, Let’s Face It, Men Are Gross, and Sometimes Romance Can Be Just As Painful

Ever since man discovered his penis he’s dreamed of sticking it into things. It seems unfair for a single extremity to have so much power over a person, but the way I see it, if it weren’t the penis it’d be something worse, like the brain. And you don’t want that; a man’s brain can be dangerous. So dangerous, in fact, that it’s been known to drive men to stick their penises into strange things.

I know, that’s circular logic, but I’m not thinking so well right now. All this talk of penis-sticking is starving my brain of blood. And is it just me, or is the term “circular logic” just begging for a good pounding?

The inciting incident of my newest novella, As a Machine and Parts, involves a woman’s unfortunate hospitalization after unwittingly having sex with a machine. I promise you, the situation is nothing like you’re imagining…unless you’re imagining that this woman got her leg crushed by her boyfriend who is slowly, and inexplicably, turning into a heavy hunk of metal. In which case, I’m impressed.

So, what happens if you don’t have a cyborg boyfriend handy but you still yearn to hospitalize yourself in an incredibly embarrassing way? Do what these dummies did. I give you the Top 5 Reasons to Believe your Husband when he Says that he has “Urges that Need to be Fulfilled;” because only a true need would drive someone to plug a Bissell handheld vac, which brings me to #5 of my more accurately titled

The 5 Most Painful Masturbation Techniques You’ll Probably Still Try Because, Let’s Face It, Men Are Gross, and Sometimes Romance Can Be Just As Painful

#5 You Dirty Devil, You

Most household appliances involve some form of insertion, whether bread to a toaster, hot dogs to a hot dog toaster (which, come to think of it, should probably be on this list), or dirt to a vacuum cleaner hose. This latter scenario seems the most appropriate (if I can use such a word) considering not onlythe cylindrical opening of the hose, but the sucking force as well. Actually, now that I think about it, it’s entirely feasible that the vacuum was originally invented as a sex robot and only later went the way of dirty floors.

Per a report in the American Journal of Forensic and Medical Pathology (Vol 9, No. 3, 246-247, 1988) as found at the aptly titled Masturbation Horror site, a woman found her 57-year old neighbor dead after doing the dirty in the dirt trap of a vacuum cleaner. The official cause of death was heart attack. But the official cause of coitus was love.

What’s even more odd about this story is that by judge of the image above, this man seems to have bypassed the hose attachment altogether, going right for the main sweeper. Is this the equivalent of anal?

#4 Georgia O’Keeffe would approve

This story comes from a reader submissions section of the Masturbation Horror site (selectively quoted for maximum hilarity).

“I had this flute-style glass flower vase, and it looked perfect for masturbation…I opened this old trunk I had and put it between the open lip and the lid. When I got on my knees it was the perfect height. Well, it was working great until I put too much pressure on the lid and it crushed the vase with my cock inside it…There was blood everywhere, and I had to have emergency surgery…”

And that is where the story should have ended. But no.

“…and I contemplated suicide many times, and almost did it once. I have lived with the terror and humiliation beyond all description.”

You’ve chosen the right way to curb humiliation, sir, by submitting your story publicly on the internet to a site called Masturbation Horror.

While this story cannot be validated by a fancy American Journal of Forensic blah, blah, I include it because, well, honestly I’m quite proud of the title I came up for it. Come on, O’Keeffe’s famous paintings of flowers that look like vaginas…sticking it to a flower vase…it’s poetic in a way.

#3 Cleaning up with Tissues and a Staple Gun

I almost considered not including this one in the list. It definitely qualifies as “painful masturbation” but the way this gentleman remedies his self-pleasured/ -inflicted injury should elevate him to a different Top Five list altogether, perhaps a Top Five Things Chuck Norris Wishes He Were Man Enough To Do (is the Chunk Norris meme thing still relevant?…no…shit).

An article in the July 1991 issue of Medical Aspects of Human Sexuality (which I would love to subscribe to if magazines were still a thing) an “unmarried loner” had “begun the regular practice of masturbating by holding his penis against the canvas drive-belt of a large floor-based piece of running machinery” in the machine shop where he worked. I know what you’re thinking: this being a “regular practice” for the man should immediately nullify any harsh judgments. He’s practically a professional. Next story, right? Wrong.

One particularly non-concentratey day his “scrotum suddenly became caught between the pulley-wheel and the drive-belt, he was thrown into the air and landed a few feet away.” Okay, even David Copperfield has an off-night. Next story, right? Wrong.

“Unaware that he had lost his left testis…he stapled the wound closed and resumed work.”

Resumed work on what, is the question. I mean, he has all day to make widgets and metal whatevers, but his coworkers are going to be back from lunch any second! Better hurry up and finish literally rubbing that one out.

Bonus points for this guy, as his injury allowed all of us to learn that the singular form of testes is testis.

#2 Chuck Palahniuk Shows Us All How Sexy Swimming Pools Can Be

Between 2003 and 2007 author Chuck Palahniuk read his short story “Guts” aloud to numerous live audiences, resulting in over 60 people reportedly fainting during the readings. One particular aspect of the story is blamed/credited for the faintings: a character attempts homoerotic asphyxiation in a swimming pool, causing his rectum and lower intestines to prolapse when he gets stuck to the water intake valve at the bottom of the pool. Tangled innards ensues, followed by the narrator having to gnaw through the prolapsed accoutrement to avoid drowning.

But Caleb, isn’t this fiction? Well, according to Palahniuk this is a story he heard while shadowing sexual addiction support groups for his 2001 novel Choke. And I’m simply not willing to believe that sexually addicted people would lie, you know, except for claiming that they are addicted to sex.

If you want 100% truth, the eternally sexy swimming pool still delivers.  In July 1994, the St. Petersburg Times reported in a blame-displacing and spoiler alert ignoring article called “Swimmer’s Penis Gets Stuck in Pool” that a swimmer’s penis got stuck in a pool. There’s not much more to the story. Man + Non-Human Hole + Florida = Well, it’s Florida.

#1 So it is Possible to do it too Much!

There’s this condition called Fournier’s Gangrene, which I will pray to the god of hilarious legacies is named after a real person, a la Lou Gehrig’s disease. But unlike the lifestyle neutral diagnosis of Lou Gehrig’s disease, Fournier’s Gangrene implies a lot about the hygiene and fap habits of our infamous Mr. Fournier. How so? Please continue.

Fournier’s Gangrene is, as Case Reports in Emergency Medicine defines, “a rare and often fulminant necrotizing fasciitis of the perineum and genital region frequently due to a synergistic polymicrobial infection.” In masturbayman’s terms: waking your junk so hard that the skin splits and those dirty, dirty germs from your dirty, dirty hands causes an infection that ultimately leads to the death of your undercarriage.

Who knew harry palms and blindness could be the least of your problems?

Feel free to leave your best tragic masturbation stories in the comments below. No, actually don’t do that. Please don’t do that.

But do give my novella, As a Machine and Parts a read. There’s one scene in which the main character mentions dreaming about injecting Twinkies with crème filling, which he interprets as a wet dream, so, that’s masturbatory enough to fittingly cap this article, right?