Video Games are Real

Tag: Novella

  • The True Stories behind Missing Pet Posters

    The True Stories behind Missing Pet Posters

    As a Machine and parts
    Buy this book. Now.

    In my newest novella, As a Machine and Parts, a character named Ferret seals a pet llama for the purpose of creative taxidermy (he turns the animal into an IED of sorts, though only for show, not for explosions). The resulting missing llama posters that pepper the neighborhood are heartbreaking, in a sense, as most readers can sympathize with a missing pet.

    But too often we allow sympathy to cloud rationale. Maybe the pets aren’t missing at all. Maybe the pets escaped. Maybe the owners didn’t deserve the pets to begin with. With that in mind I bring you The True Stories behind Missing Pet Posters

    (source: http://www.smosh.com/PC/smosh-pit/photos/16-ridiculous-lost-animal-flyers)
    (source: http://www.smosh.com/PC/smosh-pit/photos/16-ridiculous-lost-animal-flyers)

    #1. Fraternity House Novelty Goes Missing; Says Pledge Responsible: “Now I’ll never get to do pushups in Alpha Chi Ro piss garbage.”

    When you’ve got capslock-worthy testicles it’d be a crime to keep them to yourself. Our dear pretentiously named London Brown isn’t lost at all. He’s simply decided that after years of free-balling for spectators it’s time to start charging. London Brown now services peanut-butter-toting coeds on the Vegas strip, where his similarly capitaled FRIENDLY personality comes in handy to garner quite the word-of-mouth clientele.

    (source: http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/the-cutest-missing-pet-posters)
    (source: http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/the-cutest-missing-pet-posters)

    #2. Slug-Cat Hybrid Goes Missing. Only Witness is a Retarded Five Year Old Opium Mule

    This fever-dream of a therapist couch homework assignment implies two things: 1) the parent needs to stop hiding her emergency opium stash in the Frosted Flakes box, and perhaps more importantly 2) the parent did not want this pet returned, which is a shame because a pet cat is probably the only friend this high school prom afterthought of a child will ever have.

    Mother: “Sure little Susie, draw your cat with no eyes, two legs, and a lower torso half-emerging from Wilfred Brimley’s abandoned swimming pool cocoon. That’s a perfect representation of, what’s your cat’s name again? Meow? Yep, that sounds appropriate to your mental disposition.”

    Susie: “Durrrururrrr.”

    (source: http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/the-cutest-missing-pet-posters)
    (source: http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/the-cutest-missing-pet-posters)

    #3. Missing Leg: Last Seen Attached to Four Identical Legs and What Appears to be a Lethargic Wad of Fur

    Okay, I get this one. When you’re a three-legged cat with a processed-meat-based name you can at least take comfort in the fact that when you escape your home your owner will have a substantial collection of scrapbook Glamour Shots to choose from when posting your photo all over the Hobby Lobby calligraphy stamp aisle (and let’s not kid ourselves, one less leg isn’t enough to keep any sane cat from attempting escape from that hell).

    As a Machine and parts
    Click to buy this book.

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  • Preorders are now being accepted for As a Machine and Parts. Preorders will be SIGNED.

    I am so incredibly thrilled to announce that my newest book, As a Machine and Parts, is now available for preorder. Simply click over to the Aqueous Books website to order. ALL PREORDERS WILL BE SIGNED. Unfortunately, they will be signed by me. I tried to reanimate Christopher Reeves or get Stephen Hawking here to do the signing–as that would not only be incredible, but would play nicely into the man/machine hybrid themes of the book–but for some reason I couldn’t get their people to connect with my people. Maybe their people are dead and/or paralyzed, too.

    There are a few amazing deals going on that make preordering even more worth your time and money.

    1. If you preorder As a Machine and Parts (or buy any of my books, actually) you will get a copy of my newest short story collection, Murmurs: Gathered Stories Vol. One for FREE! Click here for details.
    2. Word on the street is that Aqueous Books will be running a Black Friday sale (not what you think, fans of slavery) where any 2 Aqueous Books titles can be had for a measly $20. Check out the Aqueous Books store page for details. My recommendation would be pair As a Machine and Parts with Aaron Polson’s The Saints are Dead. It’s a damn fine read.
    3. You can actually combine the two offers above and still get Murmurs for free.

    If you don’t order the book, you are basically calling these people liars:

    There was once a Marvel comic book called “What if…” and in it Uatu the Watcher, a bald sage-like character with an enormous head spun speculative tales of alternative versions of the Marvel Universe you thought you knew. With As a Machine & Parts Caleb J. Ross continues to stake his claim as his generation’s Watcher, which should not be construed as a commentary on his beautiful, yet clearly fake head of hair, but instead as an observation about the scope of his imagination and his ongoing vision of what the world can be, might be and just maybe will be if Ross has anything to say about it.

    —Ben Tanzer, author of Most Likely You Go Your Way and I’ll Go Mine

    As a Machine and Parts is equal parts hilarious, absurd and touching. It’s the kind of book that after reading makes you say, ‘Damn, why didn’t I think of that first?’ only to realize you couldn’t have done it so well. Wildly inventive without collapsing under the weight of its own genius, As a Machine and Parts proves that Caleb J. Ross is one of the most exciting young authors writing today.

    —Nik Korpon, author of Stay God and Old Ghosts