As a Machine and Parts Archives » Video Games are Real

Banging the Berlin Wall

July 11, 2013

You probably don’t know this, because I rarely talk about it here on this blog, but my novella As a Machine and Parts has been re-released. You probably also don’t know that bitches be crazy. Case in point: Eija-Riitta Berliner-Mauer loves the Berlin wall. And I don’t mean loves as in respects it because it represents Cold War oppression (which would be a weird thing to respect, I agree). I mean loves as in wants to fuck it because it represents Cold War oppression. To be fair, I don’t know if that’s why she loves the wall. Maybe she’s a WWII era East Germany sympathizer. Maybe she’s a synesthete who associates the rough texture of concrete with her father’s hug. But again, of course, let’s not rule out that she’s possibly an aforementioned bitch who be aforedescribed crazy. No matter what issues she has, the relationship between a person and…

Porking the Eiffel Tower

July 6, 2013

I wrote this book, a short novella called As a Machine and Parts, about a man who finds himself slowly changing into a machine, a la Franz Kafka’s The Metamorphosis but with fewer traveling salesmen and cockroaches. The As a Machine and Parts titular machine is concerned that as he becomes more metal and less human, he will eventually lose his ability to love his girlfriend (“awwwww” is the correct response to that plot). At some point before the start of my story the Machine, before he went full toaster, was 100% human, and therefore entered into mutual relationship with his human girlfriend. However, with real-life inter-thing relationships, mutual consent isn't always a priority. A lifestyle called object sexuality forces literally 10s of buildings, rollercoasters, and concrete walls into unhealthy relationships with crazy people every day. Object sexuality is a real thing, apparently, and is defined as “a pronounced emotional…

Google Honors Franz Kafka (and me, by proxy…)

July 3, 2013

Okay, the title of this post is a bit misleading. Google isn't honoring me by proxy or by anything. Google is honoring Franz Kafka, specifically his novella The Metamorphosis. This strange story, about a man who turns into a cockroach, was a huge influence for my novella As a Machine and Parts. Why is The Metamorphosis Google-doodle worthy? I'm sure there are plenty of cultural and literary reasons, many of which are beyond my contemporary, America-centric grasp. The story of a human man—a traveling salesman—changing into the most reviled household insect pest ever is certainly a commentary on something. More important to me, though, is how The Metamorphosis affected my reading and writing aesthetic. Specifically, the idea of an un-acknowledged—and in this case, origin-less—change. There's something magical (Magical Realist, some might say, others might not) about a surreal event that garners the level of non-reaction it does in The Metamorphosis.…

The True Stories behind Missing Pet Posters

June 25, 2013

In my newest novella, As a Machine and Parts, a character named Ferret seals a pet llama for the purpose of creative taxidermy (he turns the animal into an IED of sorts, though only for show, not for explosions). The resulting missing llama posters that pepper the neighborhood are heartbreaking, in a sense, as most readers can sympathize with a missing pet. But too often we allow sympathy to cloud rationale. Maybe the pets aren’t missing at all. Maybe the pets escaped. Maybe the owners didn’t deserve the pets to begin with. With that in mind I bring you The True Stories behind Missing Pet Posters #1. Fraternity House Novelty Goes Missing; Says Pledge Responsible: “Now I’ll never get to do pushups in Alpha Chi Ro piss garbage.” When you’ve got capslock-worthy testicles it’d be a crime to keep them to yourself. Our dear pretentiously named London Brown isn’t lost at…

The 5 Most Painful Masturbation Techniques You’ll Probably Still Try Because, Let’s Face It, Men Are Gross, and Sometimes Romance Can Be Just As Painful

June 21, 2013

Man dies while having sex with a vacuum cleaner

Ever since man discovered his penis he’s dreamed of sticking it into things. It seems unfair for a single extremity to have so much power over a person, but the way I see it, if it weren’t the penis it’d be something worse, like the brain. And you don’t want that; a man’s brain can be dangerous. So dangerous, in fact, that it’s been known to drive men to stick their penises into strange things. I know, that’s circular logic, but I’m not thinking so well right now. All this talk of penis-sticking is starving my brain of blood. And is it just me, or is the term “circular logic” just begging for a good pounding? The inciting incident of my newest novella, As a Machine and Parts, involves a woman’s unfortunate hospitalization after unwittingly having sex with a machine. I promise you, the situation is nothing like you’re imagining…unless…

The Lit Pub says about As a Machine and Parts “This is what all great literature does.”

June 28, 2012

The Lit Pub just posted an amazing write of of As a Machine and Parts (thanks to Eddy Rathke for the kind, kind words). Here's a bit: "Something I've always loved about Caleb's writing is how visual and gripping his images are, and, here, he's married his language to concrete visuals, pushing his storytelling past what I thought it could be." Excited? Click over to Amazon (or anywhere else) to purchase a copy of As a Machine and Parts.

The Second Conducting: What is the Value of a Goodreads.com book giveaway? 84% had never heard of me. 34% plan on reading my books.

April 16, 2012

Does giving away your books lead to more readers, and in turn, more fans? A few weeks ago I conducted a pretty in-depth study regarding the effectiveness of a Goodreads.com book giveaway in which I found that 93% of entrants had never heard of me and 88% planned on reading my books. Couple that with 51% of entrants signing up for my email newsletter, and the giveaway was well worth the two books I sacrificed. Science must be repeatable, right? A couple of weeks ago I ended yet another giveaway. The Setup I listed a 2 copy giveaway for I Didn’t Mean to be Kevin to take place between 3/14/2012 and 3/31/2012. During this time the giveaway received a total of 378 entries. After the giveaway was closed for entries, I sent a 9 yes/no question questionnaire to 222 entrants. 156 entrants could not be sent the questionnaire, either because I know…