The True Stories behind Missing Pet Posters

In my newest novella, As a Machine and Parts, a character named Ferret seals a pet llama for the purpose of creative taxidermy (he turns the animal into an IED of sorts, though only for show, not for explosions). The resulting missing llama posters that pepper the neighborhood are heartbreaking, in a sense, as most readers can sympathize with a missing pet.

But too often we allow sympathy to cloud rationale. Maybe the pets aren’t missing at all. Maybe the pets escaped. Maybe the owners didn’t deserve the pets to begin with. With that in mind I bring you The True Stories behind Missing Pet Posters

#1. Fraternity House Novelty Goes Missing; Says Pledge Responsible: “Now I’ll never get to do pushups in Alpha Chi Ro piss garbage.”

When you’ve got capslock-worthy testicles it’d be a crime to keep them to yourself. Our dear pretentiously named London Brown isn’t lost at all. He’s simply decided that after years of free-balling for spectators it’s time to start charging. London Brown now services peanut-butter-toting coeds on the Vegas strip, where his similarly capitaled FRIENDLY personality comes in handy to garner quite the word-of-mouth clientele.

#2. Slug-Cat Hybrid Goes Missing. Only Witness is a Retarded Five Year Old Opium Mule

This fever-dream of a therapist couch homework assignment implies two things: 1) the parent needs to stop hiding her emergency opium stash in the Frosted Flakes box, and perhaps more importantly 2) the parent did not want this pet returned, which is a shame because a pet cat is probably the only friend this high school prom afterthought of a child will ever have.

Mother: “Sure little Susie, draw your cat with no eyes, two legs, and a lower torso half-emerging from Wilfred Brimley’s abandoned swimming pool cocoon. That’s a perfect representation of, what’s your cat’s name again? Meow? Yep, that sounds appropriate to your mental disposition.”

Susie: “Durrrururrrr.”

#3. Missing Leg: Last Seen Attached to Four Identical Legs and What Appears to be a Lethargic Wad of Fur

Okay, I get this one. When you’re a three-legged cat with a processed-meat-based name you can at least take comfort in the fact that when you escape your home your owner will have a substantial collection of scrapbook Glamour Shots to choose from when posting your photo all over the Hobby Lobby calligraphy stamp aisle (and let’s not kid ourselves, one less leg isn’t enough to keep any sane cat from attempting escape from that hell).