Author: Caleb J. Ross

If any of you caught The Colbert Report last night, you definitely did not see an interview with me about my chapbook, Charactered Pieces: stories. I had been sweating the non-interview for weeks, well-aware of how Stephen Colbert treats his guests (victims?). Claiming fairness and balance, his questions instead aim to further weave his delusional and increasingly erratic conservative narrative. For this reason, I felt an appearance, though in my head entirely, would serve his ego well. I brought it, sir, if I do say so myself.

Below is an unofficial Official Colbert Report Transcript from our interview.

Stephen Colbert: Let me get right to it. Though I disagree with your incorrect political views, I commend you for this praise of consumerism that is Charactered Pieces. People love sex, and the first story, the title story, is all about selling sex. Plus, you’ve incorporated a strangely phallic deformity. It’s like an erotic circus.

Caleb J Ross: It seems like Freud was right, huh?

SC: That hippy! How can a man disagree with the gay lifestyle choice and still see so many penises?

CJR: A lot of people like him.

SC: You’re getting off topic.

Staying with consumerism, I do have to wag the ol’ finger for one important reason. The price, sir. SIX DOLLARS. With that price, how can you ever expect to live the American Dream, to own a solid-veal private jet with a full-time staff to swat away the flies? You’re a Socialist, sir!

CJR: I simply want people to read the book.

SC: And potentially deplete the TV viewing audience! I take that as a personal affront.

CJR: It’s a short book. People can read it during interviews with liberals like me.

SC: Apology accepted. Now, prepare to get nailed yet again. Your story, “Refill,” is about a devoted corporate employee relying upon antidepressants to be happy. Two issues: one, being part of our free market economy should make one happy enough. And two, you missed a perfect product placement opportunity (Colbert reaches under desk, pulls out medicine bottle and places in-camera). Vaxaloft. Side effects include maggot gums, spontaneous brachial fetus implantation, and throat anus.

Why didn’t you call Prescott Pharmaceuticals? They could have hooked you up.

CJR: And you, I’m guessing.

SC: I do love capitalism as much as the next authentic American, true.

CJR: “Refill” is about the cycle of depression more than it is about any happiness gained from a prescription drug.

SC: Don’t sell your hippy diatribe on me, Mr. Ross. (Colbert swallows two Vaxaloft pills). Something I suddenly feel so indifferent to about your book is the story, “An Optimist is the Human Personification of Spring.” Why? For the pictures. All those words need to be broken up.

CJR: Those pictures are scanned fortune cookie fortunes. They are mostly words.

SC: In bed (laughs). Where can liberal media worshiping book lovers pick up Charactered Pieces?

CJR: Amazon.com, or direct from the publisher, OW Press—

SC: That’s enough. Caleb J Ross, thank you for being here. Caleb J. Ross’s Charactered Pieces: stories. Available now.

CJR: But I didn’t get to tell people where to buy it.

SC: Just hyperlink your words.

Only five days left to preorder Charactered Pieces: stories and receive all of the following cash and prizes:

• Free shipping
• A (very) personal inscription. Note the specific name you would like the inscription made out to in the PayPal comments area. Also, note my use of the word “very;” I warn you: you may be disturbed by what I write. If you would rather a flat-signed, or “clean” copy, note that in the PayPal comments area as well.
• A picture of me signing the book (so there are no Antiques Roadshow conflicts 90 years from now)
• As part of the made up LUNGS FOR READERS program, each preorder will smell of delicious ACID cigars. Trust me, even if you don’t like cigars, you’d love the smell of ACIDs. Imagine if cinnamon and Italian food had a veal baby. My friends over at ArtJerk.net are going to help me stink up the books
• Whatever other fun stuff I can find to stuff between the book’s pages

Order here, from the publisher, OW Press (though, the PayPal payment will come to me)

So far, preorders have greatly exceeded my expectations. I anticipated a few unfortunate souls would feel obligated to order due to familial or neighborly relation. But, damn, I must have relayed pity to an entire town at some point in my past. I’ve got so many wonderful people not only wanting to read my stuff, but willing to pay for the opportunity. I am going to make it my mission to be sure each reader is satisfied. It starts with the bulleted gifts above. I’ve even got a head start on the inscriptions (to be transcribed once I get a hold of the books):

It ends with house-calls and roses (or does it end there…? If my wife is reading this, then yes, it does end there).

This afternoon, on vacation, sitting at the beach with a cigar in one hand and a notepad in the other, getting a head-start on inscriptions for Charactered Pieces preorders, I was struck with a sense of a realized dream, a dream I didn’t really know I had until that moment. I write fiction for fun. One day, I’d like to make some money doing so. But until then, taking time at the beach to scribble a few words to people who are wanting to read my book…that’s a damn fine dream to have.

I’ve filled this blog (along with my Facebook account, MySpace page, and Twitter feed) with consistent salesy talk for the past few days (though historically I have always taken pride in offering a mix of the personal and the largely-pertinent). So for this post, I simply want to take a moment to thank those who have made me feel like a rock star for the past few hours. Writers, in general, don’t get much adoration, and what they do get, trickles. I embrace the few, don’t get me wrong, but we all have hopes, even subdued hopes, of becoming a household name by means of our passions. I realized today, that wide recognition could be cool, but niche recognition definitely is cool.

Thanks all.

I leave you with a message from nature: we are meant to enjoy cigars at the beach. How else do you explain ashtray-shaped shells and sand that can be easily scooped to shield the lit tip from the wind?

First, and you’ll get tired of me saying this, thank you to all who have preordered Charactered Pieces.

As mentioned in the previous post, some of you may have been refunded by PayPal. Big whoops on that. I received a list of all the people whose orders were NOT affected by the pre-order fiasco. I sent an email or PM to all of those beautiful people letting them know that they were not affected at all by the mix up and that their orders will ship as originaly promised. So, everyone who ordered should have either received a PayPay refund or an email from me.

If you received a refund, please re-order using the button at the following link (it is the same page as before, but the button has been updated).

http://www.outsiderwriters.org/publications/caleb-j-rosss-charactered-pieces

So, in summary, all is as it was before. Preorders will still contain all the goodies as promised on the order page (maybe more, considering the craziness).