Quick, before they are outlawed. Inhale, inject, and/or read these recently-legalized vices el pronto:
A Mel Bosworth is worth a follow-up story chapbook called Grease Stains, Kismet, and Maternal Wisdom. Street date of NOW! Mine is on my way. Based on Mel’s previous work, I can expect some glorious toilet time in the near future.
1 Ben Tanzer will run you 99 Problems (that was an easy conversion). This book is a collection of essays about running. I’m no runner. Write a book called 99 Pastries, and I’m all over it (though I am all over 99 Problems, too; I finally bought a copy today). Want a taste? Meet a guy named Jason Behrends over at the Orange Alert Podcast, episode 27. Tell him “Compulsions” sent you.
1 Nik Korpon is worth 3 CD cases full of drugs, 2 heart-sick slackers, and 1 preorder date of October 1st, for his debut novel Stay God. I am currently devouring an advance copy of the book for the second time. I could go bankrupt reading this book.
Baxter once said that a man in the woods was about the purest thing there was in the world, and the closest he could come to knowing God. A man can never buy with money this thing that the Lord gave him for free, he said. That sense of awe and respect one derives from the trees and the earth and all things that dwell in between them. He told Jacob that poetry was all around him, in the grass and on the surface of the leaves, and that the Bible was full of good words designed to mimic what could never be written, but could sometimes be heard and always seen—the rising water, the falling rain, the rush of river and wind, the passage of cloud banks and great ruminant herds, buffalo and elk and the trailing packs of carnivores, both man and wild dog, wanderers all, in endless migration to the grasslands that feed them. He told him that magic is neither myth nor mystery but that which cannot be explained or understood—which is how the world was and should always be. There’s magic in a caterpillar, he told him, and in an acorn and behind the stars. His ancestors had understood this. They worshipped the forest as some white men worship God. He had only come to know and love God through time spent in the woods and through his proximity to death, which he gained in the trenches of the first great war.
However, instead of being only an instigator in big news, I want to report it. Below is my first official Blame Caleb Exclusive!
(BCE)–Gluteal aficionado reverses his long-held controversial stance on large asses. Says Mr. A-Lot: “They just aren’t exotic anymore.”
Sir Mix-A-Lot became famous after the 1992 release of his pro-butt cheek manifesto, “Baby Got Back,” currently in its 34th pressing. The release of this manifesto took both the intellectual and libidinal communities by storm.
“The problem is that too many white boys did in fact shout,” Mix-a-Lot says in reference to a particularly layered passage in which he implies the reluctance of Caucasian males to express sexual interest. “Once the mainstream embraced my philosophy, Rump-o’-smooth-skin’s no longer suffered insecurities about their shape. So I became just another talentless fat guy with nothing to offer.”
Within weeks of the release of “Baby Got Back,” fatties throughout the country rejoiced. As expected, enormous women are split on how to feel about Mix-a-Lot’s recent announcement. One particularly gross woman felt betrayed. “He said he loved us. Now he says we are nothing, it’s like…” (recording inaudible due to mouth full of donuts). Other women, such as The Wild Hole Stripclub’s notoriously self-confident Ms. Chocolate Mousse is indifferent. “Everybody loves us. We don’t need him.”
When asked about the timeliness of the announcement, Mr. A-Lot says, “I was inspired to come clean after Stephen Hawking recently modified his original acceptance that God had a role in creating the universe.” Hawking argues his theory in his new book, The Grand Design, as reported at The Guardian. “So as God is to Hawking,” Mix-A-Lot says, “the ass is to me.”
I have noticed that over the past decade readers have been subjected to a trend in non-fiction book cover design. I am referring to the use of a white background to frame a single, striking element. For example:
I understand the appeal from a marketing perspective. As online book buying grows in popularity, the book spine is becoming less important to shoppers. Instead, the idea with white-framed covers is to create as much visual distance and isolation with a book so as to set it apart from its surrounding mosaic. An added benefit for non-fiction books in particular is the sense of authority that comes with a single image. This says, “I am an expert on this topic. I am not going to stray into superfluous details. Prepare to learn.”
I like the look, but I dislike the trend. I am a grump, though, and dislike most trends. I refuse to tell my wife that I don’t mind listening to her Ingrid Michaelson music simply because it’s on the radio sometimes. I even hate hipsters because they are too popular. How’s that for irony?
I collected many, many such covers (and it didn’t take me long to do). Flip through the gallery below to see. Now, as an exercise in the inevitable futility of following trends, try to see if any of the white-framed books stands out when packed together with so many similarly designed books. Answer: none stand out. This book, if it were thrown into the mix, would certainly stand out. Here’s hoping busy book covers don’t become a trend.
Just when you thought you had over a year before getting offended by a book from me (I Didn’t Mean to Be Kevin, November 2011), I go and do something crazy like sign with another publisher to release a novel in March 2011. Stranger Will, a noir story of apathy and abortion, is coming early next year from Otherworld Publications.
Otherworld Publications is a young publisher, but one with an impressive drive to promote its authors. This fact is not the sole reason I signed with them, though. This press seems to have acknowledged something that I, and the below authors, have known for a long time: The Velvet and The Cult are cesspools of untapped talent. Of the 11 current Otherworld authors (some noted on the Otherworld site, others not yet public knowledge), 5 have grown up at The Velvet and/or The Cult forums. I think we have Mr. Richard Thomas (Otherworld’s first author) to thank, as I am certain his word helped shimmy all of us followers in the door.
Be on the lookout for these other forthcoming titles:
December 2010 | Stay God by Nik Korpon. I had the privilege of reading an early draft of this novel. It’s good. Damn good. Preorder it in October.
2011 | Out of Touch by Brandon Tietz. Otherworld is republishing Tietz’s originally self-published novel of decadence and excess turned sour
2011 | We Are Oblivion by Michael Sonbert. I have his debut, The Neverenders, high on my to-read shelf. It is above Paul Auster and a book about beer. Consider my expectations high.
The episode of Futurama titled Lrrreconcilable Ndndifferences featured a suspiciously eReader-esque device (pictured in the above screenshot, though the episode contained better images of the device), which got me thinking, yet again, about my inevitable adoption of an eReader.
I’ve held off so far for two main reasons:
I simply like having books. Yes, possibly just to show off for my two friends who would be impressed by a bookshelf, but also because I feel that the nurtured associations of a book–the smell, the feel of the pages, the statement of class–are part of the reading experience and actually add to the overall gratification of a finished book.
No single eReader delivers what I want.
And what do I want?
Low price point. Overall, eReaders have recently dropped in price, which is encouraging. But still I feel that $149 is too much.
E-ink screen. Fuck the LCD. This means no Literati reader. Sad, too, because I was really looking forward to that one.
Ownership of files. Some people don’t realize that when you purchase a book for your Kindle, you don’t actually own the file. Amazon does. I want a copy on my local computer.
Choice of storefront. Again, a fault of the Kindle. This device can only read .pdfs and Amazon files. I’m uncomfortable with being forced to suckle a single teet.
Ability to read a variety of file formats. The Sony eReader and the Cool-er Reader can read many different formats including .pdf and the (slowly becoming) industry standard ePub format. But store options for purchasing the books are still limited.
I am getting closer. But come on industry! Give me what I want.
Below is the list of the top ten most frequently challenged books of 2009 as gathered from the American Library Association website. I completely understand the low priority some place upon books compared to other forms of media. However, I don’t understand why books would need to be burned. Think of it this way, if I had two children, I would probably like one more than the other. That doesn’t mean I should burn one (I’ll let the sun do that, when I allow my least favorite child to play outside all day without sunblock. Blame averted).
Being invested in the publishing industry, I feel I should fight back. Note: I have not read all of these books, nor do I know what many of them are even about. But if I’ve learned anything from the mere existence of a banned books list, it is that arguments don’t have to respect the source material or the material’s context. It’s fun to hate!
10. “The Chocolate War,” by Robert Cormier
Reasons: Nudity, Sexually Explicit, Offensive Language, Unsuited to Age Group
Un-Reasons: I had to Google this book to determine its content, and honestly I feared what searching “the chocolate war” would return. I can count the number racially explicit scenarios that would use this phrase on two hands. I can count the number of pornographically explicit possibilities on one hand…the other is busy. Granted, the SERP (that’s Search Engine Results Page for you people with a life) yielded nothing questionable, but the simple fact that it could have is enough to keep this book off of the banned books list. If my mind is filthier than the book title, then the book isn’t worth battling over.
9. “The Color Purple,” Alice Walker
Reasons: Sexually Explicit, Offensive Language, Unsuited to Age Group
Un-Reasons: Can we get over this book already? The people who question this book are likely racist. It’s just that “Blackieness” wasn’t an available check box on the official challenged book request form, or as it is known among dissenters: “Show Off Your WASPy Prudishness” ballot.
8. “The Earth, My Butt, and Other Big, Round Things,” by Carolyn Mackler
Reasons: Sexually Explicit, Offensive Language, Unsuited to Age Group
Un-Reasons: Kids grow up faster these days than in days past. “My Butt” being a “Round Thing” is probably offensive only to those people who also take offense to the implication of the Earth being round.
7. “My Sister’s Keeper,” by Jodi Picoult
Reasons: Sexism, Homosexuality, Sexually Explicit, Offensive Language, Religious Viewpoint, Unsuited to Age Group, Drugs, Suicide, Violence
Un-Reasons: My wife read this. She’s still cool. And believe me, my wife has plenty of opportunities for commonalities among lame-ohs who challenge books. She loves guinea pigs. She dances with her thumbs in the air. She can’t pronounce “Parmesan.” I could go on, but I won’t, because I love her too much to disrespect her with a fourth item in this list.
6. “Catcher in the Rye,” by J.D. Salinger
Reasons: Sexually Explicit, Offensive Language, Unsuited to Age Group
Un-Reasons:
5. Twilight (series) by Stephenie Meyer
Reasons: Sexually Explicit, Religious Viewpoint, Unsuited to Age Group
Un-Reasons: No, the real reason these books should be banned is because they are everywhere. I’m sick of telling people about William Gay’s “Twilight,” only to be raped by Stephenie Meyer “Twilight” fans. Also, to call this book sexually explicit is to insult all the creative whores out there who work hard to freak out horny dudes (or women, or animals, or kitchen appliances, or plumbing supplies, or…). Making out with a vampire and/or werewolf is like 2nd base stuff to today’s kids.
4. “To Kill A Mockingbird,” by Harper Lee
Reasons: Racism, Offensive Language, Unsuited to Age Group
Un-Reasons:See “The Color Purple” above.
3. “The Perks of Being A Wallflower,” by Stephen Chbosky
Reasons: Homosexuality, Sexually Explicit, Anti-Family, Offensive Language, Religious Viewpoint, Unsuited to Age Group, Drugs, Suicide
Un-Reasons: So many teenagers are depressed antisocial-ites. Let them have a book whose title implies pride and self-respect, and stop shoving morally definite books, that polarize homosexuality, language, and religion, at your kids. The world is ambiguous; embrace it.
2. “And Tango Makes Three” by Peter Parnell and Justin Richardson
Reasons: Homosexuality
Un-Reasons: “Two male authors,” you say. “Gross.” What if Tango is Jesus and he’s there to cure the authors of their homosexuality. Are you okay, now?
1. “TTYL; TTFN; L8R, G8R (series), by Lauren Myracle
Reasons: Nudity, Sexually Explicit, Offensive Language, Unsuited to Age Group, Drugs
Un-Reasons: We managed through 9 items before hitting a book that is offensive not just to people, but to the English language as well. This is very impressive considering IM acronyms are as a common as…typing “IM” instead of “Instant Message.” Does this mean that the English language has not yet devolved far enough from the Queen’s English to have become unrecognizable, and that novels are still culturally relevant, meaning that they should be examined closely for moral alignment? WTF is wrong with you? Language evolves. The good words live (Boner: [boh-ner]-n, slang an erection of the penis ) while the bad ones die (Andrew Koenig: -n, the guy who played Boner in the 1980s sitcom Family Ties)
Just when you thought you had over a year before getting offended by a book from me (
