A reader, too?! What a double threat!

Jim Gaffigan is right (and is the source of this post’s title). We admire beauty above most else in this country (this world?), despite all that’s been taught by teachers (probably ugly teachers) and parents. Beauty shouldn’t be all that matters. As ethical beings, we should be able to look beyond physical appeal when evaluating our various options.

But the one outlet that has for so long stood strong against the ravages of superficiality has come under attack as of late. Ugly people, you are no longer royalty in the world of novels. Katie Price, Courtney Thorne Smith, Lauren Conrad, Meg Tilly, Pamela Anderson, the list goes on. It’s only a matter of time before “chapters” will become a breast synonym and asking someone if they’ve read any good books lately will initiate locker-room tales of “creasing her spine until even used bookstores wouldn’t take her.”

Bookselling is a business. Attractive people sell things. We understand that. But when the product being sold is cerebral, why does a beautiful spokesperson (which I argue is essentially what many of these celebrity novelists are; those with ghostwriters) even matter? Are cover bylines and dust-jacket photos really that sexy? Or are most of these “fair weather” readers simply retarded?

The latter. Definitely. That’s not the question, here. The real question is whether or not it’s still feasible for authors to make a good living by writing intellectually stimulating literature without having the commercial backing of a celebrity or the commercial appeal of being a celebrity themselves. My hope, of course, is that if a book is artistically brilliant, it doesn’t need to be commercially brilliant; brilliant should sell intrinsically. But with that logic, I’m probably the retarded one.

So what is this ugly author going to do? Become an accomplice. I’ve got a few completely finished novel manuscripts, ready to have a celebrity author name slapped across the cover and printed for much monetary gain. I’m serious. Contact me.