5,000 words for Father’s Day

When my lovely wife asked what I wanted for Father’s Day, I replied quite simply: a day to myself. Fearing that the request may imply that my primary desire was to spend the day away from my family, I quickly explained that I wanted the day to write. I’ve been spoiled by the frantic life of parenthood, being able to blame my lack of productivity on the burdens of being a father. “Why haven’t you finished the first draft of your world-changing novel?” my non-existent editor asks. “Well you see, sir, I have this child…” But I know the days of those lies must end. I only hurt myself when I don’t get shit done.

My beautiful wife has allowed me the entire day. I’ll be spending the time at her parent’s house where I can be assured just enough discomfort to keep me isolated to the page (they are out of town; I’m not saying that they make me uncomfortable, just that being in their house alone will be a bit weird and that I won’t be tempted to explore the area for ways to derail any progress).

My goal is to cough up 5,000 words. But not just any words, truly good words. Even 5,000 draft-quality words would be a feat, so planning on just as many print-quality words means I’ll have to cut away many of my bad habits. I check my email too often. I refill my coffee cup too much. Basically, I’ll use any excuse to step away from the page. Not today. How? I’ll be taking on a few tips from my friend Axel Taiari:

Kill your internet connection, only bring Tom Waits albums, rock some caffeine/nicotine, have food/sandwiches/snacks prepared in advance, forget about showering, and for the love of god, if anyone disturbs you and breaks your flow, it should be legal to stab them right between the eyes.

Here’s the survival gear:

• An old-fashioned notebook – This will hopefully keep me from my computer and by that, the internet.
• My computer – yeah, sorta self-defeating considering the above item, but I’ll use it primarily for morale-boosting updates via twitter and similar ego-maniacal social mediums. Maybe I’ll wear the winner shirt I made (above) with my face on it to really tell the virtual world how awesome I am.
• Headphones – I’ll likely replace Axel’s Tom Waits suggestion with Bohren und der Club of Gore, only because vocals can be distracting. Even a casual search on this site will show how much I love Tom Waits, so normally, he’d be my life’s soundtrack.
• Prepared food – I don’t want even the need for nutrition to be an excuse to lift my fat ass off the chair.
• Cigars – I think it will be too hot tomorrow to enjoy any smoke, but just in case, I’d like to have a couple think-sessions away from the paper, fueled by some delicious ACID cigarillos.
• Coffee
• A knife – for stabbing right between the eyes.

Wish me luck. But don’t bother me A-holes!